Oh, you probably have no idea how important you were in my life. When I think about you I smile and I am grateful that at some point you were part of it. You changed me so much, you determined me to want to be courageous, sincere, happy, ambitious and most of all, you taught me how be a better me. It’s funny how you did all these things by walking away from me. When I think of you, I associate you with this quote by Elizabeth Gilbert.
People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.
You came into my life exactly when I needed you the most. I was broken, sad, alone and most of all I lost faith. I lost faith in love, myself and everyone around me. You were like a sun ray after a long time of dark and cold storms. Only with your presence you managed to bring light to my life. Why are you the only person from my past I still care about after all these years? Because you were pure, kind, loving, respectful. You know, people ask me why I was so fond of you, because we were together only for a short time. But, darling, they never saw you through my eyes. They never knew you like I got to know you.
I remember all our conversations. I remember how I shared with you the things I wanted to do, my passions and how you tried to encourage me to follow them, how you tried to convince me to give up fear, to be courageous, to speak up when I felt the need to. You saw something in me when I didn’t. I am so sorry for not being able to listen to you when you were there. I am sorry for figuring out how important your words were only after you were gone.
When you left I was so heartbroken, confused, angry, sad. I couldn’t understand why you could leave without even saying a word, without any explanation. Like Elizabeth was saying, you really shaken me up, tear apart my ego, showed me my obstacles, broke my heart, made me desperate and out of control. And then it hit me. I had to change, not for you, but for me, because I wanted to be something more that I was. I saw that I was in the dark and I needed some light.
The truth is, I was never ready for you. I was broken in million pieces before I met you and you couldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t trust you, I was cold and distant, I was so scared of being with somebody, I was frightened to let people in with the risk of being hurt again. I wasn’t in good terms with myself and the only person that could change all these things was me. I had to heal on my own. But I took from you every advice I could and I tried to follow it. And here I am today, after years, writing this letter to you, at a time when I can say that I follow my passions everyday, I am more courageous, I speak up more often and I am at peace with myself. I am happy and I am happy on my own. And you inspired me to do all of these things a long time ago.
You taught me the most valuable lessons in life: you cannot expect people to love you if you don’t love yourself; you cannot expect other people to heal you, to push you to be great, to take care of you, you have to do it yourself.
So I apologize to you, for everything I put you through. I am sorry for not being ready, but I am grateful for you to have been part of my life. I hope that when you think about me, will not be with hate. I never wanted to hurt you, but if I did, I didn’t know what I was doing. I don’t think you are my soulmate, but you are probably one of the most important people from my past because you had a huge impact on who I am today.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I was ready for you and I still regret that I met you at the wrong time. Probably we would have been together now or maybe we would’ve ended on different paths anyway. Maybe we would have discovered that we’re perfect for each other or maybe we would have acknowledged the fact that we’re not. A lot of things could’ve happened. We can’t know for sure and there is no point for what ifs. But I know, that for me, things are better this way, because I wouldn’t be who I am today if things wouldn’t have happened the way they did. Life took us on different paths and even though I wish we could be friends, I know that life gives us exactly what we need and maybe we don’t need each other anymore. Maybe we needed each other in the past, to learn some valuable lessons, and now we are good on our own.
I hope you are truly happy, I hope you love with all your heart, I hope you are content with everything around you, I hope you have the same values as you did back then and I hope that you are at peace with all the things that troubled you when I met you. You deserve the best in this life and I know you will get it. I do believe in you and I know you can do anything you want in this world.
I wrote this letter so many times, because I always wanted to tell you these things but I never had the courage to actually do it. I am at peace with everything that happened, I am happy that it happened and I don’t regret a thing. I hope you feel the same.
I respect you, I am thankful to you, I miss you. I don’t need you, but I will hold you dear.