Dear the one who changed my life


Oh, you probably have no idea how important you were in my life. When I think about you I smile and I am grateful that at some point you were part of it. You changed me so much, you determined me to want to be courageous, sincere, happy, ambitious and most of all, you taught me how be a better me. It’s funny how you did all these things by walking away from me. When I think of you, I associate you with this quote by Elizabeth Gilbert.

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.

You came into my life exactly when I needed you the most. I was broken, sad, alone and most of all I lost faith. I lost faith in love, myself and everyone around me. You were like a sun ray after a long time of dark and cold storms. Only with your presence you managed to bring light to my life. Why are you the only person from my past I still care about after all these years? Because you were pure, kind, loving, respectful. You know, people ask me why I was so fond of you, because we were together only for a short time. But, darling, they never saw you through my eyes. They never knew you like I got to know you.

I remember all our conversations. I remember how I shared with you the things I wanted to do, my passions and how you tried to encourage me to follow them, how you tried to convince me to give up fear, to be courageous, to speak up when I felt the need to. You saw something in me when I didn’t. I am so sorry for not being able to listen to you when you were there. I am sorry for figuring out how important your words were only after you were gone.

When you left I was so heartbroken, confused, angry, sad. I couldn’t understand why you could leave without even saying a word, without any explanation. Like Elizabeth was saying, you really shaken me up, tear apart my ego, showed me my obstacles, broke my heart, made me desperate and out of control. And then it hit me. I had to change, not for you, but for me, because I wanted to be something more that I was. I saw that I was in the dark and I needed some light.

The truth is, I was never ready for you. I was broken in million pieces before I met you and you couldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t trust you, I was cold and distant, I was so scared of being with somebody, I was frightened to let people in with the risk of being hurt again. I wasn’t in good terms with myself and the only person that could change all these things was me. I had to heal on my own. But I took from you every advice I could and I tried to follow it. And here I am today, after years, writing this letter to you, at a time when I can say that I follow my passions everyday, I am more courageous, I speak up more often and I am at peace with myself. I am happy and I am happy on my own. And you inspired me to do all of these things a long time ago.

You taught me the most valuable lessons in life: you cannot expect people to love you if you don’t love yourself; you cannot expect other people to heal you, to push you to be great, to take care of you, you have to do it yourself.

So I apologize to you, for everything I put you through. I am sorry for not being ready, but I am grateful for you to have been part of my life. I hope that when you think about me, will not be with hate. I never wanted to hurt you, but if I did, I didn’t know what I was doing. I don’t think you are my soulmate, but you are probably one of the most important people from my past because you had a huge impact on who I am today.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I was ready for you and I still regret that I met you at the wrong time. Probably we would have been together now or maybe we would’ve ended on different paths anyway. Maybe we would have discovered that we’re perfect for each other or maybe we would have acknowledged the fact that we’re not. A lot of things could’ve happened. We can’t know for sure and there is no point for what ifs. But I know, that for me, things are better this way, because I wouldn’t be who I am today if things wouldn’t have happened the way they did. Life took us on different paths and even though I wish we could be friends, I know that life gives us exactly what we need and maybe we don’t need each other anymore. Maybe we needed each other in the past, to learn some valuable lessons, and now we are good on our own.

I hope you are truly happy, I hope you love with all your heart, I hope you are content with everything around you, I hope you have the same values as you did back then and I hope that you are at peace with all the things that troubled you when I met you. You deserve the best in this life and I know you will get it. I do believe in you and I know you can do anything you want in this world.

I wrote this letter so many times, because I always wanted to tell you these things but I never had the courage to actually do it. I am at peace with everything that happened, I am happy that it happened and I don’t regret a thing. I hope you feel the same.

I respect you, I am thankful to you, I miss you. I don’t need you, but I will hold you dear.

17 Comments
Posted on: May 26th, 2017
Category: Letters to ...

That’s the exact way I feel now towards my ex. We were not meant to be and despite it, we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Besides we had a lot of growing up to do and he’s better now and I am too. I am glad that you realized that even though you’re not friends that you can still wish you well because a lot of exes can’t do that and I aim to honestly wish anyone well, because despite the pain and break up however it went, the memories and feelings were real. They matter to me and that’s how I feel towards my ex. We’ll always love each other but never in love with each other because he was something special to me and he still means the world to me. He holds a special place in my heart. I am lucky to have my ex as a good friend now and we have each other’s backs but it’s never easy to do. We did discuss old emotions and we agreed it didn’t work out but it didn’t mean we couldn’t stop caring for each other. He respects my boundaries and my relationship with my husband. <3 and that's all I ask in the end. Memories are beautiful in the end despite the pain because pain makes life so much more beautiful. Never deny the memories with the pain because it shapes us, molds us to each other and all the past does change us for better or worse in the end. Any regrets I had are gone and I am glad that closure has come from seeing him. It's never easy even if you can't find it with them, find it with yourself. Love yourself to the fullest and know that all memories are beautiful in their own ways and validate your existence as a person. Love you, so much! Beautiful letter!

Posted on May 26th, 2017, at 6:31 PM by Michelle.

I love the quote. I haven’t had a whole lot of experience with love. I’ve flirted and been on dates with a few guys but it never amounted to anything serious, unfortunately. But I still understand a little about how you felt towards this person. But this is a truly beautiful letter Cristina, I love it! I’m sure your prince will come to you someday.

Posted on May 27th, 2017, at 1:05 AM by Cassidy.

I’m worse than Cassidy, I’ve only flirted and kissed but never gone on proper dates….but I hope (wish) all of us will get to meet the special one you wrote to, who make you feel what you describe; if it might not last and I might get hurt, I’ll still be able to say thank him for giving me all of the above. :)

By the way, Hakanai got update with its summer layout and new things; come take a look. :)

Posted on May 28th, 2017, at 2:29 PM by Lucien.

That is so sweet! It brought tears to my eyes! ;;__;;

This person sounds so amazing…it probably seems like you met at the wrong time, but seems like the timing was perfect! They helped you become the you you wanted to! Which is amazing by the way! ^_~

Posted on May 28th, 2017, at 5:37 PM by Maroon Caludin.

I miss writing posts like these. In fact, I do have a private blog where I write this kind of musings. But anyway, about your letter, since currently I’m also with someone I call my soulmate, I am afraid that somehow, it’s possible that we’ll be able to part ways like what happened to you and yours. I am afraid that I might be hurt once again, though before I was just hurt about all those unrequited love that I felt, but this one’s different. Things with him were different. He’s someone I talk to everyday and share almost everything to. He’s the someone who keeps encouraging me whenever I feel down. We share a lot of moments, and we’re always there for each other through the good times and the bad. With these, it scares me to think that if for some reason we’ll be able to part ways, maybe I can’t handle my emotions and the situation itself like the way you did.

Nevertheless, I’m glad that as time passed, you saw things in a better light. It was good that you saw him as someone who gave you a big impact in your life, and I could say that it was a good one. People come and go in and out of our lives for a reason, whether it’s good or bad, but in the end, we can always choose how we would deal with it.

Posted on May 29th, 2017, at 2:19 AM by Nice.

Aww! Everything happens for a reason :) At the moment we don’t understand why certain things happen. We figure out why they happened that way until later on in life. I’m glad everything is well with you now.

You’re a really good at writing!

Posted on May 29th, 2017, at 4:28 AM by Liz.

I agree with you, you cannot expect people to love you if you don’t love yourself. Also, if you have the perfect person if front of you, it’s pointless if you are not ready for that person and for that relationship. Hugs. x

Posted on May 29th, 2017, at 10:33 AM by Anca.

My site is up – with a full layout and everything – can you see it? If not, try to clean your browser’s cache and cookies (and history too) or flush your dns.

Posted on May 29th, 2017, at 12:42 PM by Lucien.

Thank you for (cbox) comment. :)

Posted on May 29th, 2017, at 2:20 PM by Sasha.

My initial instinctive knee-jerking reaction was to say exactly that out loud, but I decided to count to 10 and be “nice” – I didn’t want those idiots spamming my tagboard to insult me and such. :/

Posted on May 29th, 2017, at 2:23 PM by Sasha.

Thank you very much. :)

I did enjoy the movie; I rooted for a “lived happily ever after” (as in the two together) until the last moment, but I think that ending suits the tone/mood of the movie very well too. :)

Posted on May 29th, 2017, at 9:04 PM by Lucien.

This was such a beautiful post, I really enjoyed reading it. It’s often hard to forgive the other person and forgive yourself.

This actually reminded me a lot of my ex. He was amazing and I will forever cherish the experience with him because I learnt so much.

“You taught me the most valuable lessons in life: you cannot expect people to love you if you don’t love yourself; you cannot expect other people to heal you, to push you to be great, to take care of you, you have to do it yourself.” This is something I will always keep to close to my heart.

Posted on May 31st, 2017, at 9:47 AM by Pauline.

Hey Cristina, Very well written letter you have here. A lot of emotion and really got into it. Reminds me of my past in some ways though I think everyone has different kinds and there not the same really. But wonderful to read. Thank you for sharing. I‘m doing great just got back from my trip seeing family and had a lot of fun though dreaded the heat during my stay there. But everything is wonderful right now for me lots and lots of things I will post on my blog in June, so keep a lookout on it. I was curious and asked before would you want to be affiliates if possible? I really adore your blog and like reading your posts the inspire me a lot, just was curious if your still accepting people if not it’s alright. Please take care dear have a good rest of the week~<3

Posted on May 31st, 2017, at 11:24 AM by Peach.

This is such a lovely letter. I think a lot of relationships happen this way, because people are always at different stages in their lives. It’s sad, but sometimes it’s for the best. They might be the right person, but if it’s not the right time then there’s nothing you can do about that. Glad you’ve come to terms with this now. This is such a beautiful piece of writing and I love the quote!

Posted on May 31st, 2017, at 11:48 AM by Amy.

What a lovely letter. While I don’t think I have a certain person who fits this role for me, there have definitely been people in my past who came into my life and left because things just weren’t quite right at the time, and it’s only been through reflection and my own personal self-growth that I’ve figured out what I’ve needed and how I may not have been susceptible to them at the time even if they were doing all the right things. I do agree that things are usually better off that way though. That person came into your life to play a role and that they did, and if it helped you grow and love yourself, even if it took years, then theirs was the perfect part. And yes, at times it’s hard to avoid those what if questions, but hey, everyday is a what if. Just because it hasn’t happened yet, who knows. There are times people come back into our lives years upon years later, who knows how this letter might change if that were to case. <3

Posted on June 2nd, 2017, at 12:57 AM by Asti.

I believe that everyone who came into our lives have a role to play. Bringing you back from pieces is probably his role to play… I’m happy for you to meet such a guy.

That’s a beautiful quote too.

Posted on June 2nd, 2017, at 6:02 PM by Sakura.

Ugh. I want to cry. and hug you. This letter was so touching and devastating at the same time.

Posted on June 9th, 2017, at 10:59 PM by Kenny.